You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
OKAY DAD
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters