Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.