[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Ovenable?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.