At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.