Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Weirdos gonna weird.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca