Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
This is the coolest video you will see today.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*