Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.