I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Guys, I found it.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Why soy sad?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless