I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey