If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Lmao 🤣
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
happy valentine’s day to me
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”