Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.