Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
#Thanos #MondayMood
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”