I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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Yoga Matt
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified