Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice