So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
You had me at “define legal”.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.