You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
You Might Also Like
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first