*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Sing it!
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”