If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
choose your gary
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.