I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain