At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
This is me
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.