I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?