Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
That’s no pocket rocket.