GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I’m having an out of money experience.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.