My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it