Monday
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Kids, do not try this at home!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.