my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I know a bad idea when I see one.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.