*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.