Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.