I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Breaking news:
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.