About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k