[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.