I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.