Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”