i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
smartest karate player in the world
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My current situation
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”