“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane