I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time