I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.