If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I saw nothing
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.