A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth