Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*