Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Damn he played himself
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train