*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
pelicons