Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I鈥檝e always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I鈥檓 not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.