Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.