Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You Might Also Like
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
who will stop them
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes