You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
You deplete me
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
he was correct
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries