I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family