I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
You Might Also Like
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.