Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
You Might Also Like
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare