Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.